They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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