Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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