Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
