I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
