Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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