Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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