Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
