Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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