Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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