oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
