dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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