he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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