awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
