I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize