i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
