I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
