forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
