she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I know her cup size but not her name....
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
