I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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