My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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