you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
