im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
