just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
