My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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