I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
