DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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