So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
