I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
