GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
