i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i dont even know how to be here
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
