I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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