and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
