Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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