i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
