Four minutes until I can fart!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
