just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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