I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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