The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
