im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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