i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
