she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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