was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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