my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize