oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We have started to decorate penises.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
