Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
