she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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