I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
