Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
