we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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