The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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