Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
