my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
