she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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