My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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