I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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