it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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