im about as happy as oj after his trial
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize