I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
