WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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