Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
