i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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