Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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