Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
whose parrot is this?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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